How to Talk About Money With Your Partner (and What Not to Do)

 

It’s always a good idea to talk about money with your partner, whether you’re getting married, moving in together, or just getting serious about money.

But how do you talk about money with your partner?

Many people find this scary or uncomfortable, but don’t worry.

As the blog of one of the top personal finance experts, we’ve put together a guide with word-for-word phrases and all the tips and information you need.

We’ll talk about the following in this article:

When you should start to talk about money with your partner
The best ways to talk about money with your partner
Scripts to help start a conversation
Important things you should ALWAYS talk about with your partner
How to find out what invisible scripts you and your partner have (& what to do about them) (+scripts to help start the conversation)
What you should NEVER say to your partner when talking about money
Answers to the most common questions about how to talk about money with your partner
When should you talk to your partner about money?
When you’re just getting to know someone, money talk probably isn’t a big part of your conversations, but that doesn’t mean it has to be that way. To start a conversation, you can slip in some money and talk about who pays for dates, your salaries, and other general topics.

At this point, you probably don’t want to tell your partner everything about your income, debts, and mortgages. That might be a little too much…

When you and your partner are making a big life choice
You’ve been seeing each other for a while and are now in a serious relationship. Money is something that should be talked about in a serious way. Now is not the time to brush it under the rug.

Before you move in together, you should talk about bills, rent, insurance, and how you’ll split costs.

Getting engaged is a fun time, but it’s also a time when you need to make some important money choices. How will you tie the knot? How will the money be spent? Do you need to know about any deal-breakers BEFORE you get married? How will you split your property if you get a divorce? Not very romantic, but something to think about.

If you’re having a baby, you and your partner should talk about parental leave, how much money you’ll lose during that time, and how much you’ll need to spend on the new baby. Have those talks BEFORE any of these things happen that will change your life. You will be glad you did it in the future.

After you’ve tied the knot
You should have talked about money a lot by now. But it’s surprising that even after ten years of marriage, many people still don’t talk much about money.

This is often because one person is better with money and takes care of it, or because one person doesn’t work and the person who does takes care of everything.

No matter where you live or how much money you have, you should try to talk more openly about money. You can always start checking in with your partner to make sure you are both on the same page.

Your goals and financial situation may change in the future, so start now to talk openly with your partner about money. It will make any changes much easier to deal with.

Want to know how to talk to your spouse about money? Get ready for a talk about money…

How to talk about money for the first time with your partner
How to get ready for your first talk about money
It might sound painful to talk about money with your partner, but I promise it doesn’t have to be awkward. Even though it sounds cheesy, it can bring you closer together.

The key to getting your first big money talk off on the right foot is to have the right mindset. Asking for their advice or thoughts is one way to bring up the subject, even if you don’t need it.

How to start a conversation about money
If you’re nervous about bringing up the subject, take it slow at first.

“Hey, I’ve been trying to learn more about money lately. What are your thoughts on investing vs. saving?”

If you don’t get a response, try being more clear:

“Okay, well, I have one more question. What do you think of how I spend my money? Do you think I should change anything?”

I’m sure they’ll have something to say about it, and even though you’re putting yourself out there, it will at least start a conversation.

Ask them again after a few days, “What do you think? Should I pay off my credit card or my student loans?”

Then, a few days later, tell them you’ve been doing more research. “I bought a book about money, and it had some really interesting things in it. What do you think about us talking together about our money?

When you sit down to talk, ask your partner’s opinion again: “I know you pay for everything with cash, but this guy says we should use credit cards to build our credit and keep track of how much we spend. How do you feel?”

The goal of these short meetings about money should be to agree that money is important to both of you and that you should work together. All done!

If everything goes well, ask your partner if they would be willing to sit down with you again to talk about your money.

Important points for couples to talk about money
Here are some things to think about and talk about before your big money talk:

Should you tell your partner about your money?
When you talk with your partner about money, it’s important to be honest and open. If you hide your money or lie about it, it could cause problems in your relationship. You can avoid this by just being honest. When it comes to money, it’s best to be able to trust each other, especially in a close relationship.

Remember, it’s good practice to start slow and be honest.

How much money do you both make?
An easy starting point for any conversation about money should begin with your income. If you both know how much money you make, you can decide how to spend it together. You could also talk about finding a new job or starting a side business to make more money.

How much are you in debt?
Another very important thing to talk about is how much debt each of you has. This is especially important if you’re getting married and want to combine your finances.

You don’t want either of you to find out anything new. If someone has credit card debt that makes your eyes water, you need to know about it right away.

Other things to discuss include student loans, personal loans, car finance, and any mortgages either of you has. All of these will affect your credit score, so you and your partner need to know everything about each other’s money.

Take a look at all the debts you and your partner have and write them all down. Try to write down the end dates, interest rates, and monthly payments.

This will help you figure out what to do next. You might be able to get a better rate by refinancing. You might be able to get out of debt faster if you use the snowball or avalanche method.

Some other great topics to talk about are:

Do you feel good about taking on debt, such as credit card debt?
How will you spend your money together?
What are your shared expenses as a couple?
What invisible scripts do you have about money?
Truths that are so deeply ingrained in our society that we don’t even notice they’re there are called “invisible scripts.” They change our habits and actions without us even being aware of it.

“I need to go to college to be successful,” for example.

You’ve probably thought of invisible scripts like this at some point in your life. The ones about money might look like this:

“Credit card debt is evil.”
“You should buy the biggest home you can afford.”
“Budgeting means giving up things you like. So it can’t happen!”
Even though these may not be the exact scripts you have in your head, think about what they are. These invisible scripts can affect us in good or bad ways, so it’s important to be aware of them and question them.

If you’re having trouble saving money because you think “budgeting means giving up fun things,” this is an invisible script that’s holding you back. If your partner is good at budgeting, this could make things a little more difficult between you.

Don’t skip this step if you want to be on the same page as your partner. Spend some time thinking about what you don’t know you’re thinking about money. If they are holding you back, talk about them, question them, and look for other options.

What are your short-term and long-term goals for your money?
Talking about your money goals with your partner is a great way to set the tone for the whole conversation. You not only need to know how to pay for the things you need every day, but you also need to plan for the future.

Once you’ve done the groundwork and talked openly about money, you can work together to set some money goals.

Some money goals could be:

Putting away money for a home’s down payment
Putting money away for a wedding
Putting money into stocks
Getting work done on the house
Putting money away for a new car
Making plans for a trip
Saving for an emergency fund
No matter what it is, everything starts with a conversation and a plan.

Knowing all your income and expenses then leaves you free to decide how much money to put away for your goals. It helps to have some solid figures in mind and a deadline so you can stay on track to achieve them.

What not to do when talking to your partner about money
Don’t make it feel like an ambush
Money is a sensitive topic. Not everyone likes to talk about it, so in some cases, it pays to be cautious here. You don’t want anyone shutting down.

That’s why we suggest taking it easy at first and bringing up the subject with a few questions that won’t hurt anyone.

This gives you an idea of how willing the other person is to talk about money. They won’t be surprised, which is never a good way to start a conversation.

Don’t put your partner down or try to change them.
People often make mistakes when they try to “fix” their partner. Now, if they gamble too much and you’re about to lose your house, it might be time for an intervention.

But in general, everyone has their own way of doing things. Don’t come at your partner full force and demand that they change.

The problem with that approach is that you think your way is:

Right
This is the only
Which could be true or not. Instead, be patient and talk about your money habits on the same level. Do it together if anyone needs to change or adapt their habits.

Don’t put your partner down or blame them.
Don’t make your first real conversation about money a bad one, no matter what. Don’t start by telling someone why they shouldn’t have spent too much or gotten into debt.

It doesn’t change anything, and it brings tension and emotion into a conversation that should be open, friendly, and productive. This only works if you both want to be successful.

Money doesn’t have to be scary or hard to talk about with your partner. A lot of people talk about money openly, which is great. Not everyone is, so taking smaller steps and having short conversations along the way is the best way to ease into it.

Managing your money and your relationships will be easier if you change your habits. The Ultimate Guide to Habits is Ramit’s new book.

How to Talk About Money With Your Partner: Frequently Asked Questions
How do I tell my partner I don’t have any money?
Here are some things that can help you tell your partner that you don’t have much money. Don’t feel bad. Make a plan for us to follow. Think about the good things.

How do I bring up money with my partner?
Take it slow when talking about money with your partner. How good are you with money? is a good question to ask. This can give you a chance to talk about your own money habits and how you feel about money in general. This can bring up some tough questions.

How do you talk about money with your partner?
When thinking about money and dating, here are some things to keep in mind:

Be honest. Don’t lie about your salary.
Have a budget
Don’t date because of money.
Discuss ways to pay for a date.
How do I talk about money with my husband without getting into a fight?
Here are some tips from an expert on personal finance on how to talk to your partner about money:

Have a plan, preferably a monthly plan.
Don’t try to run your relationship.
Get a third person or a mediator to help.
Don’t make ultimatums.
Talk to a financial advisor for help.
How often should a couple talk about money?
Have a conversation about money once a month.
There are things like vacations, bills, and birthdays that you might need to plan for. Also, keep an eye on the next month and try to guess what expenses you might have. There may be differences between some months and others.

Does money matter when two people are together?
Love, empathy, and attraction are important, but they aren’t everything. You should set goals together, and money should be one of them. You don’t have to think about someone’s income either, but it might be a good idea if your incomes are similar.

How to talk about debt with your partner
Plan ahead. Assure your partner that you are taking care of your debt. Tell them how far you’ve come. Ask them if they feel comfortable helping you or working with you.