How To Talk About Money With Your Partner

People say that you shouldn’t talk about three things: money, politics, and religion. I get it, but when it comes to your relationship with your partner, you need to talk about things like this and money in an open and honest way.

Adobe/Yakobchuk Olena
Source: Adobe/Yakobchuk Olena

Money is important, even though we don’t like to talk about it. In fact, a recent poll found that fighting about money is the second most common reason for divorce, after cheating. Also, a Northwestern Mutual survey found that 41% of the people who answered said that their financial worries affect their partners at least sometimes, which can lead to disagreements about money.

After counseling individuals and couples for more than 25 years, I’ve found that one of the main reasons couples come to therapy is because they are having trouble with money. This causes stress in the relationship, financial anxiety, and money mistakes that could be avoided with better communication and teamwork.

When spouses try to talk about their finances, their feelings about money, like shame, overwhelm, or anger about debt, or panic and fear about not being able to pay for college or retirement, can get in the way. Avoiding money is common and expensive. Dig deep, put your relationship first, and be brave enough to talk about money together.

How to talk to your partner about money.
Step 1: Plan a date night that focuses on money.

Set up a time ahead of time so that you can both be present and ready. Consider ordering or making your favorite meal and getting your favorite dessert so you have something to look forward to after you look at how well you are sticking to your budget and planning for upcoming expenses or goals.

Make it a monthly date or a quick check-in once a week. By doing this, you can talk about what’s working and what’s not, stop problems before they start, and celebrate what’s going well. By putting these dates on your calendar on a regular basis, you not only put time, energy, and effort into your finances, but you also keep the lines of communication open.

Step 2: Keep an open mind

We all have different ideas about money because we were raised in different ways, come from different cultures, and live in different places, all of which have shaped how we think about money. The “money scripts” we learned as kids can often affect how we deal with money now. Since money may be an especially sensitive topic for your partner, show empathy for their feelings. Normalize and confirm their feelings so that they feel like they are being heard, known, and understood. Recognize what you don’t know and be open to hearing your partner’s point of view. You might even learn something from them. Most of the time, two heads are better than one.

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Step 3: Be sure of yourself

When you talk about money, it can bring up things from the past, like a shared experience or a personal tragedy. Try to live in the here and now. Ask for what you need to hear, say “no” to what you’re not ready to share, and be willing to negotiate and find a middle ground.

Use clear, direct, and appropriate ways to say how you feel. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, for example, to get people off your back and set healthy boundaries.

Communicating in an assertive way shows that you respect yourself and your partner. Talk to others, like your children or extended family, about money and agree on limits or boundaries.

Step 4: Take small steps so you don’t feel too much.

Start by talking about what you spend every day, and then move on to retirement and saving for the rest of your life. Don’t go too fast. When you talk about these bigger issues without knowing how your partner feels about money, it can lead to defensiveness, arguments, and hostility.

Setting up ways to organize and talk about your finances is important if you want to be honest, build trust, and stop financial infidelity.

If you and your partner have different ways of handling money—maybe you save and your partner spends—having a financial planner or advisor act as a mediator can be very helpful. They can help you keep your feet on the ground and find a good middle ground. Planning for money is done in small, manageable steps: 1) Setting up a fund for emergencies, 2) paying off debt, and 3) investing for the future.

Step 5: Educate each other

Many of us find it hard to start a conversation about money because we don’t know all the fancy words. I’ve seen in my practice that when one partner is financially savvy and the other isn’t, there can be an imbalance of power and control in the relationship. This can lead to resentment, bad communication, and a lack of feeling like a team with a shared money mission. Make a promise to learn and grow together.

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Use the tools for learning about money that your bank, credit union, investment firm, or debt consolidation agency has to offer. You can learn about money together by reading books, listening to podcasts, or taking an online course. This will not only make you feel better about money, but it will also make you feel more at ease when talking to your partner about money. The playing field will be more level, and you will be more likely to work as a team to reach goals, even fun ones like going on vacation or buying a new car.

A takeaway
By being careful about how you talk about money with your partner, you can deal with the stress that comes from money problems. As you learn how to talk to your partner about money better and settle disagreements about it, your finances and your relationship will change. Money fights of the past turn into thoughtful, helpful conversations that can help you save money and strengthen your relationship.